Roman Holiday -- Kristen's Board Contest

[Claire]

I liked a lot in this story. And in case you are worried: Limiting yourself to 5.000 words here didn't hurt your writing at all. Honestly, I would love to see try your hand at shorter stories like this more often.

You paint a very vivid picture of who Danel is. I think that is what makes the story work. And his thoughts drifting to Marietta while he has sex for the first time with Audrey was a really nice surprise that gave the whole story some emotional stakes I really liked.

I also loved the detail of the record playing in the background and the lyrics accompanying the scene. You could have leaned into that even more for me.

I probably would have leaned into the awkwardness and inexperience of first sex a bit more. If you have him come three times in quick succession then why not give him a very quick early ejaculation? That could have played nicely into the "more exprienced woman seduces younger man"-theme you had there. I don't think that portraying sex in a non-idealized way kills the erotic charge of the scene. On the contrary, I think if you had him come early and be all flustered but Audrey reassures him saying something like: "I love how eager you are for me, Daniel. Don't worry, young lads are ready quickly again. That's why I chose you." and then she starts blowing him, then this would have fit your story perfectly and would have felt more intimate and hot for me. That would have underlined the "Did she use me...?"-questions he's asking himself nicely and would have carried his characterization as a slightly awkward boy nicely into the sex itself.

But overall, I liked the story a lot. You gave us an emotional, messy, character driven story that embraced the consensual requirement of the contest rather than fight against it. I really enjoyed that! Give me more of this short story HistBuff.

[Vile8r]

I know this is rare territory for you, @HistBuff , but it came off really good, I think.

I liked that it was done as a "first time" story. A young man's sexual awakening in The Eternal City! And like @Claire , I too enjoyed the detail with the music playing.

And, of course, happy to see you incorporated a bit of ancient Roman history in your story too!

[Colin Piper]

This is very well written, good job. I love the preference for dark hair (me too!), and who better than Audrey Hepburn for petite dark-haired loveliness? That elegant neck...

I agree with the observation above that "just a lad" doesn't quite fit with my image of how Audrey would speak.

And one tiny nitpick at the beginning - which is an unfortunate place to have it: "Scottish or British". Britain is England, Scotland and Wales. Scottish or English (or Welsh) would be a better way to put it.

Him taking the initiative to break up with Audrey is a nice twist. I like how he thinks of Marietta while having sex with Audrey. The whole concept of him getting it on so easily with a famous actress, especially for someone who is a virgin who prefers his own company, does stretch credulity somewhat, but I went with it due to the way the story was expertly crafted.

[HistBuff]

Lovely, lovely, lovely! I'm fond of historical starfucking and feet, what else can I say? Oh yeah, Salammbô is a great novel.

... She was very busy with the filming of some peplum movie about Rome conquering Corinth. ...

What was that?

It's something I invented after learning that Audrey did NOT film Roman Holiday in 1953. She did it the previous year, so I had to come up with something fictional to give her a reason to be in Rome and rewriting the whole thing was out of the question. Her hair should have been longer for a peplum, but perhaps she was playing a princess turned slave who had her hair cut short as a way to humiliate her, during the sacking of her city (and her implicit gang-rape).

[HistBuff]

The title had me convinced this was to play in ancient rome.
And I was confusedwhen the text didn't match the expectations

Not entirely sure what to make of this one.
Like many stories on here it is well written but not entirely my style I guess.

I found it a little odd that the young lad that was too "cowardly" to even really speak to the other girl would take the actresses move in stride and perform like a sex god.
As he was thinking back to Marietta I even suspected a dream.
Would have expected him to end it with Audrey immediately and go to Marietta.
In the end the breakup and switch to Marietta came a bit abrupt.

Stil overall enjoyed it though.

PS: Audreys speak of "Just a lad" seems a bit unnatural to me

Thanks, @AdmiralPiet ! I agree that the young man performed a bit too well for his age and experience. If he had been wiser, he'd have gone to Marietta immediately! I clearly remember missing opportunities with such nice girls due to a lack of judgement during my teens.

"Just a lad" is something I heard in a 1951 British movie starring Elizabeth Sellars, and it was referring to her character's 18-year-old brother.

[HistBuff]

Good if a bit sad story where he fails to see Marietta is who he should be with and only discovers it too late, but at least the story has a happy ending. It seemed a bit like a comedy at times. I would like to see more of the future between Marietta and him, also yes story is too short. As for autism spectrum, I know it well and kind of recognized it in him. I am like you when I write, in some ways, I need to dive into my character and story and let it flow until it is done

Agreed. This felt uncomfortably short for me. I also had to age up Daniel and Marietta by two years for publishing here, and this caused me to lose interest a bit. Back in 2022, this story would have been you-know-where on Kristens Board. I was such an akward teen who would fail to realize a girl was into me until it was too late.

But yes, I could write something about their married life since wedlock sex is so rarely portrayed in erotica. In film noirs during the Code era, most of the implicit sex happened between a man and his wife. And if it was outside marriage, then usually it was something really bad!

[HistBuff]

This is very well written, good job. I love the preference for dark hair (me too!), and who better than Audrey Hepburn for petite dark-haired loveliness? That elegant neck...

I agree with the observation above that "just a lad" doesn't quite fit with my image of how Audrey would speak.

And one tiny nitpick at the beginning - which is an unfortunate place to have it: "Scottish or British". Britain is England, Scotland and Wales. Scottish or English (or Welsh) would be a better way to put it.

Him taking the initiative to break up with Audrey is a nice twist. I like how he thinks of Marietta while having sex with Audrey. The whole concept of him getting it on so easily with a famous actress, especially for someone who is a virgin who prefers his own company, does stretch credulity somewhat, but I went with it due to the way the story was expertly crafted.

"He's just a lad" is an expression I've heard used by a character portrayed by Elizabeth Sellars in a movie from 1951.

During my own teens, I was just like Daniel. I could miss opportunities to have sex due to me being comfortable in my own company, but when a girl threw herself in my arms, I became a different person, a bit similar to a Wisigoth sacking Rome.

[HistBuff]

I liked a lot in this story. And in case you are worried: Limiting yourself to 5.000 words here didn't hurt your writing at all. Honestly, I would love to see try your hand at shorter stories like this more often.

You paint a very vivid picture of who Danel is. I think that is what makes the story work. And his thoughts drifting to Marietta while he has sex for the first time with Audrey was a really nice surprise that gave the whole story some emotional stakes I really liked.

I also loved the detail of the record playing in the background and the lyrics accompanying the scene. You could have leaned into that even more for me.

I probably would have leaned into the awkwardness and inexperience of first sex a bit more. If you have him come three times in quick succession then why not give him a very quick early ejaculation? That could have played nicely into the "more exprienced woman seduces younger man"-theme you had there. I don't think that portraying sex in a non-idealized way kills the erotic charge of the scene. On the contrary, I think if you had him come early and be all flustered but Audrey reassures him saying something like: "I love how eager you are for me, Daniel. Don't worry, young lads are ready quickly again. That's why I chose you." and then she starts blowing him, then this would have fit your story perfectly and would have felt more intimate and hot for me. That would have underlined the "Did she use me...?"-questions he's asking himself nicely and would have carried his characterization as a slightly awkward boy nicely into the sex itself.

But overall, I liked the story a lot. You gave us an emotional, messy, character driven story that embraced the consensual requirement of the contest rather than fight against it. I really enjoyed that! Give me more of this short story HistBuff.

Thanks for the kind words, @Claire ! This was a sex scene I really enjoyed doing. The story being short, I went for just one detailed sex scene and took advantage of Daniel's youth for giving multiple loads to Audrey. I had to leave out an outdoors scene where she blows him up in the forest, then a pair of young men are spying on them (both 18 for this site -- dirty me) and Audrey ends up blowing and having sex with all three, and Daniel learns two things 1) he finds watching Audrey getting double-teamed by strangers supremely hot, and 2) he knows for a fact that Audrey is obsessed by sex with teen boys, and thus she only loves him for his youth. Alas! What a hot scene this would have been! A young woman between 25 and 35 years old getting gang-fucked by three or four 18 year olds is a huge fantasy of mine.

I have nothing against consensual. I love writing a consensual story now and then!

[HistBuff]

I know this is rare territory for you, @HistBuff , but it came off really good, I think.

I liked that it was done as a "first time" story. A young man's sexual awakening in The Eternal City! And like @Claire , I too enjoyed the detail with the music playing.

And, of course, happy to see you incorporated a bit of ancient Roman history in your story too!

Thanks, @Vile8r ! Audrey Hepburn was enjoyable to describe in the nude! This ain't my last story featuring her!