Freya's new slaves

[AdmiralPiet]

I'm probably the wrong person to ask this. I don't have clear mental images of characters in my head, a vague concept at best. I said this before on the forum, but I think I have Aphantasia. So to me, Freya is just a tough, bulky mutant woman with a large penis, but I don't recall any other physical details.

Today I learned: Aphantasia is something that exists. I knew people had differing levels of mental imagery, but did not know it hat a name.
In that case, you are not the right one to ask.

My main issue is that I have no idea what the story is about. I see this very intricate world and Freya buying these slaves, but the only purpose seems to be to depict a sequence of rapes. But what is the central conflict of the narrative? Is it about whether these two slaves manage to escape? The text doesn't even seem to entertain the idea. Does Freya have some larger goal that she is collecting slaves for? Does the sexual abuse have a point beyond her personal pleasure, like is she trying to break them mentally until they are completely subservient to her and then they become agents or a personal guard for her? Does she need trained sex slaves as escorts for infiltration missions? The story seems to have no goal it is walking toward. When I finish a chapter, I have no sense that the story progressed in any way. The slaves are still in a hopeless situation and face another day of horrific abuse in the next chapter, but that is exactly where we start each chapter. And so the story ultimately reads as: "The slaves were raped this way. And then they were raped this way. And then they were raped this way. And then..." and there is no tension in the narrative because of that. It does not seem to be building toward anything, it resolves nothing, it advances nothing. And that is why I am not emotionally invested in what's happening.

It is kinda the point to not have a point. That phrase is overemphasising, but let me explain.
You see, there is a larger framework to this. As explained in an earlier post the background is the larger Warhammer 40k setting, in which I placed my OCs and their little corner of the galaxy.
There is a story progression (that is sadly not written out) starting with Lady Sokaras youth, and how she came to be a Chaos Lord ruling an entire star system. In this main storyline there is room for many smaller stories that do have a individual goal.

But in this case it is not. For two reasons:
I personally do not need something big at stake. I do not like tv series were everyone has hidden plans, and all characters lose themselves more in their own webs, just so there could be a new reveal. I can go with a story that overall stands still, or has little progress, if what happens in between is just funny or entertaining. Some character progression, and growth over time sure, but I can live with some standalone episodes.

The second reason is: This Story over on HF was intened to just be a collection of standalone chapters. A number of glimpses into the world of Karadan. Maybe an easy entry for readers, because they don't have to follow an overall story arc that closely, just some simpler finished stories. For the second reason it would have been better to post the four chapters as one. Because they are one. It is just the story of how Freya gets herself some new sex toys because she can. The goal is to show this world, how it works, its cruelty and lack of morality.
There is however something that could be added in form of a goal, see below.

So if I were to rewrite your story, I would do this: Freya wants these slaves for a reason. The abuse has a point beyond sexual gratification. Maybe she's recruiting for something. And for the slaves it becomes a question of whether they will submit. That would also introduce another interesting dynamic. If Freya wants them to submit and be useful to her beyond being sex toys, then she has to be careful not to break them too much. They have to still be functional as human beings. That would then give your slaves some agency to truly resist that they don't have right now. And suddenly, all the abuse sequences become a struggle and are emotionally charged. The story is about something. Maybe the first act is about whether they submit or not and ends with the daughter submitting and the mother not submitting and escaping. And then the story shifts to the mother trying to save her while the daughter becomes more and more a willing participant in whatever larger goal Freya has. Whether you like that idea or not: The difference is, your story would be about something and not only depict a sequence of rape scenes.

If I rewrite this it would probably be like this:
- Only one chapter that can stand on its own.
- I would stay with the overall sequence of things, but maybe I lose some smaller things. Switch a role here and there, add some other at the end
- I could focus more on Muriel's orgasm. Instead of having it happen very soon, it could be moved towards the end, as something for Freya and caelyn to work towards. That would change some things towards the end however. And I am fond of Selias punishment, would not like to lose that

But maybe I could incorporate some of your suggestions.

[Claire]

@AdmiralPiet I think understand better now what you were going for. In this case, I think your story would work better if it was shorter. And if you would want to turn it into something long and episodic, maybe go for a new slave each chapter? I think that would keep the story fresh even without a larger conflict underlying the plot.

[Claire]

@AdmiralPiet Giving this one here a little push. Are you still working on the story?

[AdmiralPiet]

@AdmiralPiet Giving this one here a little push. Are you still working on the story?

Thank you!
I should work on it, but I procrastinate too much.

Been working on an updated picture of Freya though:

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Although this too has been in the works for faaaar too long.

[Claire]

@AdmiralPiet You had me thoroughly impressed with your earlier drawings on the first page. And admittedly, I'm easy to impress because I can't draw for the life of me. But the screenshot you shared, that looks next level to me. Kudos!

[AdmiralPiet]

@AdmiralPiet You had me thoroughly impressed with your earlier drawings on the first page. And admittedly, I'm easy to impress because I can't draw for the life of me. But the screenshot you shared, that looks next level to me. Kudos!

Thanks, glad you like it.

The problem with my art is speed though.
I don't know for how many years this is now in the making, alongside dozens of others. I think I reached a relatively high level of quality, but it took countless revisions to get it to this point.
Especially on the anatomy side.
And once you actually near the end, it becomes a slog. That leads to rushing things to get it done.

Same problem with the literature.
I have ideas. I have a rough framework on how I would re-write this story.
But I just can't get it consistently going.

That is also the reason for my dissatisfaction with this story.
I had a part of it written down, but not all. So I thought: "Make several chapters. That way you can at least publish something"

The Chapter 1 you read here already got an update after some guy on HF gave me some pretty good review after the first publication.
And since I made them so far apart it feels so janky. That makes me apprehensive, because if I have a good idea later, it is then missing in an earlier chapter.

For that reason I also skirt around introducing Lady Sokara properly, even though she is kinda my Main Characer.
Because there is only one oportunity to do so (Yes, I know thats kinda dumb). Thats why I started with Freya and Caelyn.

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Imagechest Sokara Gallery
(Also sorry for making this thread into an art gallery )

[Claire]

@AdmiralPiet Don't worry about posting your art, it's great stuff. And for your stories here it's also a unique selling point. I would love to see a character with smaller boobs at some point though.

Same problem with the literature.
I have ideas. I have a rough framework on how I would re-write this story.
But I just can't get it consistently going.

Is there anyhing we could do to help? Talk in chat about it? Read a draft for you? I would love it if we helped each other out and not just offered our stories up for consumption. It took me 237 days to write chapter 8 of Record Chaser, so I know what it's like to be stuck on a longer story like this. If you want to, create a topic in the book club or we try to gather a few people in chat and talk through it.

[AdmiralPiet]

@AdmiralPiet Don't worry about posting your art, it's great stuff. And for your stories here it's also a unique selling point. I would love to see a character with smaller boobs at some point though.

That could be a tad difficult.
When going through my gallery, there are a handfull of reasonably sized boobs, lots of big and very big ones though.
Among my WIPs there is one where the model used as ref has B-Cups, but that is the exception.
But it also depends on how much smaller you looking for :D

Is there anyhing we could do to help? Talk in chat about it? Read a draft for you? I would love it if we helped each other out and not just offered our stories up for consumption. It took me 237 days to write chapter 8 of Record Chaser, so I know what it's like to be stuck on a longer story like this. If you want to, create a topic in the book club or we try to gather a few people in chat and talk through it.

Don't know really.
Though I appreciate the offer quite a bit.

I guess my main problem is this: You told me you have aphantasia, and therefore you have no clear picture in your mind on how the characters and other stuff looks.
I on the other hand play a movie in my head. Don't know how common this is.
Persons, faces in particular stay rather vague unless something about them is "in focus". What they wear in the description might be ignored by the mental image and replaced by something else.
But I have a pretty detailed image of Prof. Robertsons office for example.

So, when imagining a story I do just that: Imagine. I don't think that much in words, and when it is time to write it down it does not "flow".
Even this post: I know what I want to say, but finding the words to bring it across is hard. Even more so with images because I know what it is supposed to look like.
I think Freya's looks are not well described because I forget that the reader can not see what I see and therefore some details are missing.

That in addition to the fact that a number of imagined scenes can not just play one after the other, but need a narrative structure, whis was your main critique of the story.
Kinda like when I was RP-ing with a friend. Like I said, I don't think such a story needs a big goal, but often it was pretty aimless.

He tortured and then fucked her.
Afterwards he fucked and tortured her.
Then he whipped her and railed her.
After all that he had some further torment in store for her
Then they fucked
...

Even without a big goal it can not go on for too long or repeat itself.

And not to forget the worldbuilding.
The opening scene does not make very much sense with such a high profile target like Freya just walking across the markets on her own.

What I would like to do:
- Re-Write that opening scene to fit the world better
- The first two rapes more or less the same
- Expand the bath scene
- Bring Caelyn in sooner and have the two shemales work on the slaves together

From there it gets a bit more complicated.
I would try to contract the scenes from Chapter 3 and 4.
There is quite a lot I like about it in therms of individual scenes/moments, but in total some things need to go.

I could combine both times Caelyn took Selia into one. Didn't make too much sense she could ass-fuck her to orgasm also.
But I guess you are right that some kind of goal needs to be in there: Make the slaves cum against their will?

[Claire]

I on the other hand play a movie in my head. Don't know how common this is.

So what you're writing is almost an adaptation of the movie in your head? That's cool. I think @Vela Nanashi might imagine her scenes and characters in particular in similar detail. Though her approach is more stream of consciousness when she writes and less translating a film script into a story.

I think Freya's looks are not well described because I forget that the reader can not see what I see and therefore some details are missing.

I think it's fine to leave out details for the appearance of characters. I created this topic here about character descriptions a while ago.

viewtopic.php?t=219

And I quote @Shocker in there with an insight that I find useful:

Else I write with putting as much work on the readers fantasy as possible. One doesn’t need detailed descriptions to flesh out a character. I call this the JK Rowling method. Everybody knows how Hermione Granger or Ron Weasley look like. They have a firm picture in their mind, even before the films came out. Now quick question what’s the color of their eyes?

Rowling wrote 7 books, and not once gives that detail. The reader is doing all the heavy lifting.

I think it's enough to give the reader a general feel for the character. I don't need to know where Freya is having which tattoo on her body. If you described that in detail to me, I could not retain that information. But if there is a particular tattoo that is meaningful to her or maybe someone who sees her than I will remember that. So I think the important thing is to give the reader an idea of what the character looks like and then highlight the details that you want them to be aware of by making them meaningful to someone in the story.

He tortured and then fucked her.
Afterwards he fucked and tortured her.
Then he whipped her and railed her.
After all that he had some further torment in store for her
Then they fucked

The question I would ask myself writing a sequence of scenes like that is this: What new emotional and narrative beat does each of these scenes provide?

Spoilers for my story Late Satisfaction

► Show Spoiler

If you look at Late Satisfaction and its two big rape scenes, I think it's very clear that they serve different purposes in the narrative and portray different emotions. The first rape shows Robertson as impulsive. The second rape is planned. The location is a different one. He is now fully absorbed in his power fantasy. Eleanor's experience is also drastically different. The first assault is confusing, surprising, she freezes, she's scared, she's humiliated. The second assault focuses on her imagining her future and then on her anger for both him and herself. And in terms of the narrative, the first rape s the inciting incident and the second one the resolution of the central conflict. What makes these two scenes feel different is not that they depict differen positions.

And that is how I would think about the sequence of these 5 scenes you mentioned. What's the character arc that victim and/or rapist go through? For example, during the first rape the victim might be fighting tooth and nail. Then they learn that compliance makes their life easier. Then the rapist and the victim notice that something finally makes the victim's body respond. And the next rape turns into a psychological battle over whether the rapist can force an orgasm out of the victim. That has progression for the characters. Even the fifth (depicted) rape has stakes, something that is being fought over. And during that progression, the different fetishes become tools you use to drive the evolution forward. Whereas the first rape might have involved the victim's legs being pried apart with force, the second rape shows her getting whipped until she spreads her legs on her own. She's not getting whipped because you like whips. The whipping has a narrative purpose. Maybe the victim resists the whipping, the rapist gets frustrated and forces her legs apart again, and you turn that into a micro victory for the victim that you then crush during the third rape when the rapist comes up with a different kind of torture. Whatever you do, I think these different scenes need to have some new quality to them that goes beyond just depicting different positions and sexual practices. The meaning of what's happening needs to change.

My recommendation would be: map out the meaning and emotional beats you want to go through and then use the fetishes you would like to portray to convey this evolution.