The Blowout - Holiday Gangbang

[Shocker]

Much appreciated. I also have to agree this ending is a perfect in many ways, especially considering how you continue the saga.

As for my own project now the fun starts combing through your stories fir the sparse details you provided on Zoe, and just for the record I love the minimalist description. I know exactly who those characters are, even if you have provided only hints to their appearances, so well done. But if I spin off those few details need to be in my story.

[AdmiralPiet]

There is a lot to like here, and I can also add some specific critique.

I needed several attempts at reading this. Problem is: I do dislike “normal” settings initially, even though the regularly draw me in anyways if written well.

So, in the first two attempts I felt it was too mundane and drawn out for me to enjoy. But in order to properly understand your latest contest entry I decided to give it another go. (Kindle also helped)

I did warm up to Wendy and Hannah. You gave both of them depth and background, and they really are a sweet couple. Only at times did their dialogue and interaction feel a bit forced/unnatural.
Overall however it is a well written, thought out and enjoyable story to read.
There are a number of hiccups along the way where I would recommend doing it a bit differently.

Loosing the tire: I guess it can happen, but with only a few scratches on the drivers side, and then the tire just fucked off? What even was the reason? They did not hit the deer and swerved. Was it the crash barrier?
Also I found it odd that overplanning and prepared Hannah was unable to figure out how to change the wheel without the internet. Would have been better to have something else broken, or the rental missing its jack.

After the first assault they seem to have kinda lived with the brothers. Had to sit at the table during breakfast. During that time Wendys account was a bit detached. I would have expected more emotional turmoil or details. (I know that I mess up this myself) Hard to explain what I expected here
The brothers gave them clothing, but regularly ripped them off. Would run out at some point?
A bit on the fence about the two turning the brothers against each other. It is a good plot point. Giving Wendy and Hannah agency in their escape. But it seemed a bit too easy. Drop a few lines here and there and they completely collapse, without any brother ever asking: Who told you that?

When they broke apart: Where the two girls only then figuring out how to stabilise the foot? Would have expected the necessary tool to be readied in the room if the brothers didn’t really care for their stuff. Also one would expect more chaos in the house after the stabbing, and more stress on the victims part once the shots were fired.

I was happy for Wendy when she finally screamed at her parents. But they were oddly absent. No reaction from them and they just disappeared afterward. I guess there is still a leap from not being able to accept your daughter is a lesbian, and completely abandoning her in the hospital.

Hannahs mom was a lot more composed than her earlier description indicated. During the talk with the sheriff she also seemed to disappear from the room for a while (side note: Didn’t get the part with the deputy hit by a car?)

Last thing: As with Shockers “Fugitives” I disliked the Whitakers all dying. It is a nice way out for Wendy and Hannah, as they don’t have to face them again in court. But it was a bit too convenient that they ALL wiped each other out.

I know I wrote a lot more negative things than positive ones, but I really was on the fence of whether I give this a +2 or +3 rating and decided for the higher. Commendable effort after all.

[OurWildvices]

I think it may be a bit easier to follow if the story were broken up more consistently. I always switch to a new line for each character's line of dialogue and try to keep my paragraphs between 1-4 sentences. I would also reccommend diversifying the actual assaults and giving more context. I don't think we lingered on any of the harm enough for it to be truly impactful.

I liked that the two women were dedicated to staying a united front and that they had a happy ending.

Overall, it felt like we were told a lot about what happened rather than shown. As a reader I felt really distanced from the events happening honestly

[RapeU]

There is a lot to like here, and I can also add some specific critique.

I needed several attempts at reading this. Problem is: I do dislike “normal” settings initially, even though the regularly draw me in anyways if written well.

So, in the first two attempts I felt it was too mundane and drawn out for me to enjoy. But in order to properly understand your latest contest entry I decided to give it another go. (Kindle also helped)

Much appreciated

Loosing the tire: I guess it can happen, but with only a few scratches on the drivers side, and then the tire just fucked off? What even was the reason? They did not hit the deer and swerved. Was it the crash barrier?

I left it somewhat vague since Wendy shut her eyes and wasn't driving. There have been a couple of instances where the car I was driving lost a tire for no reason.

Also I found it odd that overplanning and prepared Hannah was unable to figure out how to change the wheel without the internet. Would have been better to have something else broken, or the rental missing its jack.

I considered the jack being missing, or even the spare itself, but both would have been noticed by Hannah. I like the way it is because it shows that Hannah thinks and overthinks things, coming up with both mundane and off the wall scenarios, but can miss something simple like not having cell service. It shows she's human, not someone with the brain of an infallible robot.

After the first assault they seem to have kinda lived with the brothers. Had to sit at the table during breakfast. During that time Wendys account was a bit detached. I would have expected more emotional turmoil or details. (I know that I mess up this myself) Hard to explain what I expected here.

I went back to my story A Song Without Music to help with writing this. The protagonist there essentially told her story in a detached way because she had to be detached in order to testify against the people who harmed her. She was the only one willing to do it. It worked in that story. I think my mistake was accidentally combining Wendy and that protagonist character for those moments.

The brothers gave them clothing, but regularly ripped them off. Would run out at some point?

True, didn't think about that one very well.

A bit on the fence about the two turning the brothers against each other. It is a good plot point. Giving Wendy and Hannah agency in their escape. But it seemed a bit too easy. Drop a few lines here and there and they completely collapse, without any brother ever asking: Who told you that?

Probably could have time jumped less and shown them turning against each other slowly, but I was also worried about making the story too long. While it's a long story already, I didn't want it to feel like a long story.

When they broke apart: Where the two girls only then figuring out how to stabilise the foot? Would have expected the necessary tool to be readied in the room if the brothers didn’t really care for their stuff.

I had mentioned the brothers used Wendy's injury against her. They didn't want her to have a brace and would intentionally aggravate it to make it more difficult for her to make another escape attempt.

Also one would expect more chaos in the house after the stabbing, and more stress on the victims part once the shots were fired.

True, probably could have been fixed with a few more sentences. I might polish this story up at some point.

I was happy for Wendy when she finally screamed at her parents. But they were oddly absent. No reaction from them and they just disappeared afterward. I guess there is still a leap from not being able to accept your daughter is a lesbian, and completely abandoning her in the hospital.

I wouldn't say they abandoned her at the hospital. More like she left her room and sat with Hannah in a different room. I don't think they would have wanted to go to Hannah's room after Wendy and Diane rebuked them.

Hannahs mom was a lot more composed than her earlier description indicated.

A reminder the earlier description was Wendy's imagination. She hadn't met Diane yet. Just heard her voice over the phone.

During the talk with the sheriff she also seemed to disappear from the room for a while

Oops. Not sure how to fix that now, maybe a few reaction sentences?

(side note: Didn’t get the part with the deputy hit by a car?)

Just an event that happened unrelated to anything. Needed a reason for the sheriff to be in the hospital, and that was the best one I could come up with.

Last thing: As with Shockers “Fugitives” I disliked the Whitakers all dying. It is a nice way out for Wendy and Hannah, as they don’t have to face them again in court. But it was a bit too convenient that they ALL wiped each other out.

True, and that could be a plot point I explore later. No current plans to at the moment though.

I know I wrote a lot more negative things than positive ones, but I really was on the fence of whether I give this a +2 or +3 rating and decided for the higher. Commendable effort after all.

Hey maximum rating means despite all the negative things you really liked it, so I'll take it

I think it may be a bit easier to follow if the story were broken up more consistently. I always switch to a new line for each character's line of dialogue and try to keep my paragraphs between 1-4 sentences. I would also reccommend diversifying the actual assaults and giving more context. I don't think we lingered on any of the harm enough for it to be truly impactful.

I liked that the two women were dedicated to staying a united front and that they had a happy ending.

Overall, it felt like we were told a lot about what happened rather than shown. As a reader I felt really distanced from the events happening honestly

I used to do one line dialogue and quit doing it in favor of letting the dialogue breathe. Paragraphs are sometimes difficult for me to figure out where to make a new one.

Thank you for the honest feedback, seems like I need to work more on "show not tell."

[AdmiralPiet]

I considered the jack being missing, or even the spare itself, but both would have been noticed by Hannah. I like the way it is because it shows that Hannah thinks and overthinks things, coming up with both mundane and off the wall scenarios, but can miss something simple like not having cell service. It shows she's human, not someone with the brain of an infallible robot.

My point was not that Hannah was not prepared for not having service.

The original wheel apparently just lost its tire, they had a spare and the tools.
Even if the two are not hands on people, I found it odd that both just stood there and said: "Fuck we don't know how this works" like the stereotypical dumb blonde and never tried.
Thats why I suggested having something else break, or have tools missing.
Another reason could be: The lug bolts are on so tight they where unable to loosen them. Had that happen to me. I needed the added lever of a pipe to get them to release.

I had mentioned the brothers used Wendy's injury against her. They didn't want her to have a brace and would intentionally aggravate it to make it more difficult for her to make another escape attempt.

Yes, you did.
But you also mentioned that they left the luggage of the girls alone, and they were not under constant surveilance.
The brothers would not let her wear a brace. But instead of building one on the fly during the commotion, that is impossible to predict how long it will last they could have prepared everything and then just put it on.

Oops. Not sure how to fix that now, maybe a few reaction sentences?

Yes. or just any reaction. We know that she suspected it, and it would be unnatural for such a caring person to just stand there like a statue.
Maybe just a reaffirming hand on the shoulder.

Just an event that happened unrelated to anything. Needed a reason for the sheriff to be in the hospital, and that was the best one I could come up with.

Well, that part seemed so disconnected. Even more that the parents knew why the sheriff was even there. I thought this was out in the middle of nowhere, neither where Wendy and Hannah lived, nor her parents.
Maybe call the Sheriffs office directly?
Or just: "When we got coffee a few minutes ago we saw a Sheriff in the lobby talking to the front desk. No clue why he was here, but could you go look if he is still there?"

[RapeU]

I considered the jack being missing, or even the spare itself, but both would have been noticed by Hannah. I like the way it is because it shows that Hannah thinks and overthinks things, coming up with both mundane and off the wall scenarios, but can miss something simple like not having cell service. It shows she's human, not someone with the brain of an infallible robot.

My point was not that Hannah was not prepared for not having service.

The original wheel apparently just lost its tire, they had a spare and the tools.
Even if the two are not hands on people, I found it odd that both just stood there and said: "Fuck we don't know how this works" like the stereotypical dumb blonde and never tried.

It probably helps to know that this is literally me. I have no clue how to change a tire and generally don't have the strength to loosen the lug bolts. The two times I've had a tire blow out on me, I've had to 1) wait for a tow truck or 2) have two super nice people help me.

Thats why I suggested having something else break, or have tools missing.
Another reason could be: The lug bolts are on so tight they where unable to loosen them. Had that happen to me. I needed the added lever of a pipe to get them to release.

While I do like your suggestion, I don't think I'll change this part of the story. It shows one of the ways Hannah is human with life events that slip through tiny cracks.

I had mentioned the brothers used Wendy's injury against her. They didn't want her to have a brace and would intentionally aggravate it to make it more difficult for her to make another escape attempt.

Yes, you did.
But you also mentioned that they left the luggage of the girls alone, and they were not under constant surveilance.
The brothers would not let her wear a brace. But instead of building one on the fly during the commotion, that is impossible to predict how long it will last they could have prepared everything and then just put it on.

I liked the suggestion to tweak this. Made it to where they made two braces already but they would just get ripped off and destroyed. So they were forced to create one on the fly.

Oops. Not sure how to fix that now, maybe a few reaction sentences?

Yes. or just any reaction. We know that she suspected it, and it would be unnatural for such a caring person to just stand there like a statue.
Maybe just a reaffirming hand on the shoulder.

Yeah, that's a good change to make. Also made it to where she says "they got what's coming to them" with Wendy nodding in agreement. Makes Diane a little more in the moment than just a bystander.

Just an event that happened unrelated to anything. Needed a reason for the sheriff to be in the hospital, and that was the best one I could come up with.

Well, that part seemed so disconnected. Even more that the parents knew why the sheriff was even there. I thought this was out in the middle of nowhere, neither where Wendy and Hannah lived, nor her parents.
Maybe call the Sheriffs office directly?
Or just: "When we got coffee a few minutes ago we saw a Sheriff in the lobby talking to the front desk. No clue why he was here, but could you go look if he is still there?"

I like this suggestion. You're right the deputy getting hit by the car was out of place. I imagined that a rural area with today's technology information still is lightening fast. Small town people tend to gossip about unusual stuff like that since generally nothing happens. But the explanation of why the Sheriff was there at the hospital wasn't really needed in this case. I've removed it and made it ambiguous.

[RapeU]

The brothers gave them clothing, but regularly ripped them off. Would run out at some point?

True, didn't think about that one very well.

Fixed this part now with a minor edit of having the girls not bother to dress until they tried to escape since the brothers were going to do what they wanted to them anyway. I did consider having them do that when writing, but then decided having them dress was better as a form of hope or resistance. However, I didn't account for the fact that their clothing would run out eventually.

It works better this way.

[Claire]

@RapeU I finally read the new ending. To be honest, when you said that you changed the ending, I thought you meant you altered chapter 9. I didn't realize until now that you wrote another full chapter.

I think the new ending works better. It feels less abrupt, more like a proper resolution. Introducing Zoe and Aisha here is a good choice in my opinion. It makes the world feel a little larger, a bit more real.

I rarely give three points for stories because I want that to feel special. And I still think this story could still be improved quite a bit if the events of the story not only threatened their life, but the relationship as well. But I also have a soft spot for longer stories and the achievement of actually bringing such a long story to its conclusion. So I'll upgrade my rating from 2 to 3 points. The new ending is a clear improvement that justifies that.

To anybody else who might be reading: Let's get this story to 30 points and make it a popular one that won't disappear in the depths of the forum. This one here deserves it!

[AdmiralPiet]

To anybody else who might be reading: Let's get this story to 30 points and make it a popular one that won't disappear in the depths of the forum. This one here deserves it!

I second that notion.
This one would deserve it.
Just two or three people more to vote...

[RapeU]

@RapeU I finally read the new ending. To be honest, when you said that you changed the ending, I thought you meant you altered chapter 9. I didn't realize until now that you wrote another full chapter.

I think the new ending works better. It feels less abrupt, more like a proper resolution. Introducing Zoe and Aisha here is a good choice in my opinion. It makes the world feel a little larger, a bit more real.

It was mainly so @Shocker could use Zoe in the spinoff contest and indeed ended up working out to the benefit of the story.

I rarely give three points for stories because I want that to feel special. And I still think this story could still be improved quite a bit if the events of the story not only threatened their life, but the relationship as well. But I also have a soft spot for longer stories and the achievement of actually bringing such a long story to its conclusion. So I'll upgrade my rating from 2 to 3 points. The new ending is a clear improvement that justifies that.

Oh their relationship is going to be tested. The stories Finding Wendy and Finding Hannah had them each experience separate traumatic events instead of the same traumatic event together. That is a crack that will be explored. I have another I'm working on too that I'm not going to go into detail for plot reasons.

To anybody else who might be reading: Let's get this story to 30 points and make it a popular one that won't disappear in the depths of the forum. This one here deserves it!

Yes that would be nice.