Claire wrote: Fri Jan 09, 2026 1:17 pm
@Writers_Bloque I mostly agree with you and I think that your 7 out 10 rating is generous and your 3 out of 3 points on he scale the forum uses is definitely more than this story deserves. 2 out of 3 points would have reflected your 7 out of 10 probably better.
Writers_Bloque wrote: Fri Jan 09, 2026 12:30 am
the ending twist kind of felt out of place. I mean I wanted there to be a little more connection between rapist and Leah.
I fully agree here. I think the story would probably be better if it was set up like a mystery for the reader. Right now, a reader might think at first that this her ex coming for revenge and that's fine. Butt there is no way for them to predict the real culprit. I think if the story had taken the time to establish a few potential candidates, the Marvin reveal would have felt more earned. If the ex had a name, the intro mentioned a guy Leah had flirted with on her night out, a neighbour who annoyed her, and some anecdote about Marvin at work, then the reveal would probably feel more earned.
Writers_Bloque wrote: Fri Jan 09, 2026 12:30 am
While I think some of the fluff could be trimmed in the beginning
That's the only thing in your post I disagree with. That "fluff" is needed for the reader to have any connection to Leah. And especially the focus on her feeling liberated and resisting the role men like her ex want to assign her is what gives her later rape any emotional weight. You take that away, you take from that story the only thing it has going for it.
Thank you for the great comment,
@Writers_Bloque! I think you're spot on with your criticism of the twist at the end.
I think you over sold her in her intro. Like romance novels they use a thousand words to introduce the heroine as *insert typical woman trope here* She is a young attorney, cosmopolitan woman of the world. A connection on an emotional level could be that shes recently single, and out to mingle. Your skills are top notch, but it seems you want everyone to understand her, when simplicity expands better. Most women in my honest opinion would sympathize with her, even without so much exposition. "The Itch" is a thing, I mean its an addictive poison that is released at puberty. But it doesn't need to be bolstered to connect readers to character.
I believe if you let the reader grab the connection through personally building it to mirror themselves then you can streamline it so that you have more room to world build.
Not to generalize every. single. woman. in the world but being young, hot to trot is a connecting thread already. College age is a thing. To me I almost lost the connection with the fluff.
Its like you built a wonderful stage and story, but then tossed a barrel or red herrings on the stage. Yes it could have been any of those men, but you did not back them up with a solid reason for each of them to pursue her. just like not every woman gets the itch for sex the same, not every man wants to act on the fantasy of raping a pretty woman for no reason other than to wet his cock. I think you leaned a little too much on generalizations to build flimsy bridges between reader and MC.
I would have loved it to be either a former client who lost, or a criminal who escaped to just get back at the system than Marvin. But I am not going to shit on this, its a solid story that kind of blew its load early with fluff and is running on fumes.
The feelings of liberation are okay, but its so common that it almost comes off as insulting, as if she is the only woman to ever not want to fit into roles she herself did not assign herself, but that street goes both ways too. Because the fluff left me thinking is she free because it was a really bad relationship or was she just insufferable. What if she was the bad one in the relationship trying to force him into the typical male role? Liberation is not a personality. Thats what hurt the most, you projected her as strong and confident, a woman of the world, but as they say a brick wall only stands with mortar. What if she looked strong, but was fragile inside? To me, with no insult to you or your works, but the "Strong Capable Woman" trope is toxic and hardly palatable. "Okay, so you dont need me to defend you from the monsters? Here take my gun and good luck." It turns men off, not because of some ideal male fantasy because men are strong and need to be needed. But because sometimes, just sometimes men just want to help. with no strings attached.
One of my of my favorite Ex-Feminist authors Esther Villar wrote a book entitled "The Manipulated Male." where in she pokes a lot of holes in second wave feminism using one example: The broken down car on the highway:
You are broken down as a normal, typical everyday woman. What do you do? of course if you were really capable, you can change the tire and or address the problem your self, I mean many women do, my wife can. But what is the most common action though? Lift the hood and stand there looking helpless. Why? to get the attention for help. And boom it works. though understand that this was before modern technology, but the sentiment stands on merit.
My point is, with nothing to back up her sentiment, its all painful bravado. Most realistically strong independent women dont fly it like a flag or shout it from the roof tops, they just do the thing. Thats the slight I am seeing in her character. You want her to project strength with nothing but the actual rape to justify it. It would be different if you trimmed it in a way like shes the subject of constant unwanted attention, but you have to back it up with the proper reaction. Wearing tight pants isnt a shuttlecock for unseen attention. Men do catcall and pinch asses, its a thing, but she can shut it down, grab the offending hand and twist it, put him back in line and not look annoying. with the strong woman archetype, you made her boring and slightly unlikable with no substance to fill the gaping holes in her personality.
She reminds me of a picture of a russian hooker, wearing the oversized fluffy coat but with nothing on under it. Now none of this is meant as any form of insult, but I really, really enjoy your writing, and I wanted to offer my viewpoint.
Last thing on the strong woman trope:
In one of the Conan The Barbarian books, Red Nails forced Conan to swear never to help her again, and he promised. Later she was caught by slavers and seen him walking by and screamed at him to save her. He said I gave my word to never help you again, and he walked away. She was pissed. Later she freed herself and Conan was fighting for his life as a major enemy snuck up on him and was going to kill Conan from behind, she stood and watched. Then she screamed at him to look out, saving his life.
I leave you with a question: Why would she do that? She did love him a bit, but she was so angry, she could have left him to die, as she was a strong woman.
