The Breaking

[AdmiralPiet]

Teaser: “Why won’t you scream my dear?” Luzella asked and the prisoner spat out “Never will I bow before your horde, nor giving you the pleasure of hearing me scream!”
Looking deep into her eyes the demoness clearly saw that the womans strength came from the desire to live up to past heroes legends and stupid foolhardiness. Enough to drive her forward through a day, but put her under any real pressure for more than that and she would break.
“I make you a promise, centurion” Luzella answered with a grin “Before our main army arrives on this battlefield you will beg me for mercy. But there will be none”
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The author of this story has read and accepted the rules for posting stories. They guarantee that the following story depicts none of the themes listed in the Forbidden Content section of the rules.

The following story is a work of fiction meant for entertainment purposes only. It depicts nonconsensual sexual acts between adults. It is in no way meant to be understood as an endorsement of nonconsensual sex in real life. Any similarities of the characters in the story to real people are purely coincidental.

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Title: The Breaking
Author: Admiral Piet
Content Warnings: In addition to the rape, there is quite a bit of torture involved

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This is an older story, and the second I published on Hentai Foundry years ago. That fact shows itself. There are lots of things I would do differently today.

It is fan work set the Dominions Chain Universe, the setting and the character Luzella belong to the original creators Lucien , Sinfulwolf and Dawn2069. This is no part of the official canon, but was published on HF with consent!

A short introduction:
The setting is a medieval fantasy world (pretty much standard: Human and Elves, Dragons...)
Another race with lots of demonic traits (horns, hooves, tails...) named the Kazdruk invade this world and many others via a magical portal to conquer it.
The first victim was the Goldulin Empire and the story is kind of a flashback to before that official setting where the Empire has already fallen.
Sadly the DC Project has been dead for a while now.

There is a character sheet of the "protagonist" Luzella, made by the original Author/Artist Lucien
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Link to his profile:

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Luzella sighed as she finally found a moment to relax, after more than three days of endless fighting, since the crumbling Goldulin Empire had launched the last offensive in its existence, but also its biggest yet.
Realizing that they were losing this war to the Kazdruk invasion they had scrambled everything they could, sending into battle not only the last of their experienced legions, but also the young recruits, unorganized militias and old men who could barely swing a sword. Farmers and housewives had answered the call to arms, despite the closest things to a sword they had ever used were scythes and kitchen knives.

The attacks had power, Luzella had to give them that, but even on the first day, the sight of the hundreds and thousands of crosses on the hills behind the demons first battle line broke the morale of many of the auxiliaries. Soldiers of the legions though, were good sport.
Luzella enjoyed fighting them, because they were strong enough to stand their ground against the onslaught of demons for a while, and then experience ever so much terror when they finally broke under the assault.
For three days the two armies battled, drenching the ground in the blood of both sides, death claiming man and demon alike. And Luzella was in the thickest of it, a raging whirlwind of destruction and despair. She had lost count how many had fallen under her halberd, and now her body was aching in every fiber, even her formidable muscles cramped and on fire. It did not stop her, with her still being able to take on whole groups of legionnaires. If anything, the pain and the wounds just made her wilder, hungrier for blood and gave her strength, while the Goldulin soldiers could barely stand the weight of their armor anymore.

But amidst all the bloodshed she did not have a moment to relax, not a single opportunity to fuck one of the prisoners, so numerously taken, or see them tortured. Yuldasha wanted her most excellent soldier on the front lines, but whenever her way led her near the camps the screams of the damned made Luzellas blood boil.
Now she found herself alone between dead soldiers and harsh rocks, neither ally nor foe nearby.
“Oh damn it” she groaned and let the halberd fall with a loud clang. Her cock was as hard as the rocks around her, and her balls full to bursting. She needed some relief, and she needed it now!
Chest Armor and battle kilt quickly followed the halberd but before the demoness could start on stroking her dick, her gaze fell upon one of the corpses around her.

Most of the soldiers accompanying her in this last battle had been helots, but Kali had been a Kazdruk spellsword. Overconfident and all too eager to prove her skills she had charged headlong into the fray, not realizing how weak her magic really was, or how inferior her battle skills were against those of her amazonian commander, and she managed to get herself surrounded, wounded and finally killed by the blade of a scythe that was rammed between her neck and shoulder guard. It was kinda fitting for the arrogant bitch to get felled by a farmer in rusty chainmail, the lowest tier of the Goldulin soldiers.
Luzella bent down and took up one of the bags Kali used to store her magic trinkets. Most of the stuff was worthless to Luzella, except from a dildo, forged from grey steel, imbued with dark Kazdruk magic.
“So, you were good for one thing after all” she whispered to the dead body of her former underling as she inspected the toy.
“Exactly what I needed”
Marching away from the battlefield a few paces Luzella lowered herself on all fours, and reached back to position the dildo between her ass cheeks. Normaly she preferred to fuck, over being fucked, but without a convenient ass or pussy nearby, this would do. Without much foreplay she pushed the toy deep into her asshole, its magic instantly taking effect, making her skin tingle and her loins burn with desire.

The thoughts of the demoness wandered back a few days, before the battle, shortly after Luzellas talons arrived on the chosen battlefield. Logistic problems were holding the main force of the humans back, and all resistance came from a single outpost and its garrison.
After their easy defeat Luzella had all the survivors stripped naked, and put in chains. The commanding centurion was singled out and bound spread eagled between two wooden posts, atop a dais, so her soldiers could watch all that would transpire.

Despite her hopeless situation she did not give in to despair, but tried to stand firm in the face of the coming pain. Her stunning green eyes regarded Luzella with a proud, almost arrogant, look as the demoness ordered her helots to whip her.
Luzella was somewhat impressed afterwards, since the centurion managed to endure three dozen hard lashes without screaming. Moaning and some muttered curses was the only thing to leave her lips, but the sweat on her athletic body, and her shallow breathing told the demons how hard it truly was for her.
“Why won’t you scream my dear?” Luzella asked and the prisoner spat out “Never will I bow before your horde, nor giving you the pleasure of hearing me scream!”
Looking deep into her eyes the demoness clearly saw that the womans strength came from the desire to live up to past heroes legends and stupid foolhardiness. Enough to drive her forward through a day, but put her under any real pressure for more than that and she would break.
“I make you a promise, centurion” Luzella answered with a grin “Before our main army arrives on this battlefield you will beg me for mercy. But there will be none”

That said, she loosened her battle kilt, and shocked gasps and whispers were audible from the assembled prisoners as they laid eyes on her swelling horsecock. She stalked to and fro on the platform, stroking her member until it had grown to its full size and then positioned herself behind her victim.
“Brace yourself” she whispered before forcing her equine cock into the centurions incredibly thight asshole. Luzella was obviously the first in there, the woman’s anus spasmed wildly as it was painfully stretched to the limit, and in a few seconds she had taken the massive rod to the hilt. Even now, the stupid woman refused to cry out, instead she clenched her teeth shut, and pain filled groans were all she gave her captors.
Even as Luzellas hard trusts rocked her body she held her mouth shut.
When the demoness finally withdrew the prisoners emanated a feeling of victory, but the defeat would be all the more bitter when they could hear their commander snivel and beg in the end.
Luzella ordered the centurion to be brought to the officer quarters of the castellum, since having taken the commanders quarter for herself.
For hours she raped the centurion on her own bed. At first the woman had attempted to fight, but for all the strength in her, against the tower of hard muscles that was Luzella it was all hopeless. Kicks and blows that were capable of forcing legion veterans to hit the canvas, this amazon took without even flinching.
At one point, her massive phallus crammed deep into the centurions pussy she demanded the name of her victim, but was met with silence.
“No matter, tomorrow you will tell me” Luzella promised.

Hours later the centurion was brought outside, clad in something that looked like a chastity belt. It was quite the contrary, since the strap running between her legs, had two massive dildos on the inside. Both were hewn from coarse wood, big and painful, stretching both her holes so she could not even walk straight as she was marched across the yard. And in addition to that they were coated in stinging plant toxins.
The castellum stood at the base of a steep rocky hill, with a watchtower atop of it. A crane was normally used to bring supplies and personnel up and down, but now the manacled wrists of the centurion were attached to it. After pulling her up until her feet hung a meter above ground weights were attached to her ankles, quickly turning the crane into a brutal vertical rack, making the stubborn woman once again grit her teeth.
“Leave her like that for the night, but lower her every other hour for a few moments for her to catch her breath. When the sun rises whip her again, and this time do not spare her tits. I want the whip cracks to be my wakeup call!” Luzella told her soldiers before taking her leave.

As ordered she woke in the morning with whip cracks and faint screams audible from outside. It seemed like the centurions composure started to crumble already, and the day was just starting. Tomorrow she would be able to put up a quite disheartening show for the prisoners.

When Luzella arrived in the yard, she wore absolutely nothing, flaunting her powerful body and hard cock in front of soldiers and prisoners.
Dozens of new whip marks had appeared on the centurions sweat dripping body, covering her ass, back and tits. She looked at the demoness through bloodshot eyes, tears trailing down her face and with every new lash she let out a half suppressed scream.
On Luzellas mark she was freed from the crane and brought in front of her tormentor.
“Your name?” she was asked and in an effort of will and defiance managed to rear up in the grip of the helots and spat in Luzellas face. The backhanded swipe that followed split her lip and nearly broke her jaw.

Quickly the human was bound spread eagled on a low table and awaited further torture.
A chalice and some steel needles were brought forth and spread out on the table. Taking one of the needles in her hand and dipping it into the chalice Luzella began to explain:
“After what you saw of me in yesterday’s battle, you must probably think I am just some brute, nothing more than a mindless killing machine. In battle there is some truth in that, but I also have a more subtle site my dear”
The centurion was breathing heavily and only half listening
“Sadly I lack most of the instruments needed for the finer art of torture, the dungeon of this fort is really in a bad shape. I hope you will forgive me that I can’t give you the treatment that befits your rank”
She held out the long needle in her hand so the centurion could see it.
“But this will do for the moment. On this needle is the same poison that coats the dildos in your holes, but this time it is not diluted”
With that Luzella roughly grabbed on of the centurions ample breasts and sunk the needle directly into her nipple.
“Your name!”
Her victim jerked in her grip, pulling on her bonds but managed to defy the demoness once more with the words: “Never!”
“We will see”

Not long afterwards ten needles adorned each breast , and as an extra Luzella rubbed some of the poision into the fresh whip marks on her victims body. Quickly the centurion looked like sunburned, and since the sky was clear today, the sun would increase her torture greatly later on.
After letting her fight her pain for a while and scrape up her wrists and ankles on the rough ropes Luzella asked again: “Your name?”
The woman only gazed sideways but Luzella added: “Tell me and I will free you of those dildos, perhaps even the needles. Just your name my dear, and nothing more. Can’t do much harm with that.”
At first it seemed like she wanted to stay silent once more, but then she hissed: “Adena, my name is Adena”
“Well then, Adena my dear, seems like I have to keep a promise”
Much to Adenas surprise Luzella really unbuckled the belts and freed her from the dildos. Even though her holes were sore from the poison the centurion let out a sigh of relief.
“But before we take out those needles, you have to be punished for your stubborn defiance, my dear”
Adenas relief quickly turned to horror as she saw what Luzella planned to do with the next needle
“Please! Not that, not there!!!”
Without remorse Luzella jabbed the needle into Adenas clit, making her howl in pain.
For another hour the needle torture continued, Adenas bloodcurdling screams echoing across the yard, before Luzella took out the needles. But even so the woman was in agony, moaning and panting.
A shadow fell across her, and as she looked up she saw Luzellas face, lust written across it.
Adena wanted to beg for a break, but Luzellas steel hard member already pushed into her cunt, spreading her swollen nether lips wide and gliding deeper and deeper until all of her cunt was stuffed with hard demon cock.
As much as she tried to remain silent, Adena had no other choice than to scream out loud as Luzella was plowing her brutally. The massive oaken table creaked under the force of the demoness hard thrusts.
Minutes turned to hours for poor Adena who was desperately hoping for Luzella to cum, but when it finally happened she was disappointed since Luzella easily had strength for to more rounds before she finally dismounted her prisoner and turned to her soldiers.
“Have fun with her, but don’t hurt her…too badly. I want enough left to play with tomorrow, you better remember that”
With that she turned and left Adena to the helots. They lost no time in continuing her suffering, violating her over and over, torturing her already hurting tits and her cunt with needles and pincers. From time to time they left her ling in the sun. The sunlight was not very intense, but Adenas skin was already stinging with the poison Luzella had applied, and the sun made it burn horribly.
The constant rape however - despite the shame and pain it caused, especially when they forced their huge members into her tight ass – was a relief compared to the brutal abuse by Luzella.

The fun for the helots ended at sundown and Adena was brought to Luzellas quarters. The demoness was already waiting, sitting on the edge of the bed as a young woman in a few tattered scraps of armor kneeled sobbing between her spread legs and licked her balls.
Adena was whimpering and too weak to stand, having to be held upright by two helots. Her body was covered with marks of torture, cum splattered on her from head to toe. More of the demon sperm constantly ran out of her holes and dripped down her thighs.
“Release her!”
No sooner did the helots let her go Adena fell hard on the floor.
“So, Adena my dear, did you enjoy your day?” Luzella asked with a grin
“Seems like it was rather hard for you. I am of a mind to send you back onto the crane again for the night”
Adena winced at the prospect on another night of pain, but Luzella continued
“But I make you a deal. See this cute little thing attending me?” she asked and pointed to the young woman
“If you would do her job I could send her to the yard”
Adena looked up and found the bloodshot eyes of the young woman, a recruit who was only just starting her career as a Goldulin soldier.
“Please…Commander” the girl whimpered “Don’t let them torture me…please”
Adena had looked away, her whole body shivering because of the inner conflict
“Adena, I need your answer” Luzella demanded, her patience cleary stretched
“Take her!” Adena finally said “I will attend to your needs”
So the proud centurion was broken. She burned with shame as the crying girl was dragged out of the quarters but the tried no acts of defiance and obediently began to suck on Luzellas massive cock. She had put everything she had into it, eager to please the demoness in order to avoid further pain.
“Oh Adena my dear” Luzella purred after a while “What are you, a soldier or a whore?”
Adena glared at her with silent rage but was not foolish enough to answer, instead she worked Luzellas shaft harder.

As the night progressed the screams of the young recruit outside became ever louder, torturing Adenas soul, but when Luzella finally granted her a break she was so exhausted that she fell into a deep sleep within minutes.

But after a few hours she was grabbed and brought outside to the crane, where she broke out in tears at the sight of the recruits tortured form, the accusing look in the girls eyes making her wince. Adena was quickly bound to the same hook as the recruit and for the remaining hours of the night they hung together in the yard, weights on the ankles, bodies stretched taut.

After the sun rose the pain was not over yet. Now Luzella had planned the grand finale to Adenas torture.
Like two days prior the prisoners were assembled in the yard, and Adena bound between the whipping posts on the dais. This time Luzella herself took the whip and made Adena howl and scream with every lash. No comparison to the proud commander she was in her first whipping.
The prisoners saw it, and their hearts sank as they listened to the screams, shocked at how quickly she was broken by the demons.
When it was over after more than forty lashes, a bench was brought forward and Adena tied to it on her back. Her ankles then were bound to the whipping posts, spreading her legs wide so her former soldiers had a good look on her holes, still reddened and raw.
Again Luzella stepped up, completely naked, to take her once again and despite all the rape Adenas ass still was tight. Again she had to cry out at the intense pain Luzellas member caused her.
The demoness standing position enabled her to more powerfull thrusts than before, pulling her cock halfway out to ram it back in with force. Adenas sphincter cramped and clenched hard on the thick rod, only to arouse Luzella even more and cause Adena even more pain with every violent convulsion.
The prisoners looked on in horror as the towering amazon battered their screaming commander like a ram would have a city gate.
Luzellas strong hands pinched Adenas painfully swollen nipples and pulled hard, nearly ripping them off.
“Mercy!!!!” Adena screeched “Please, please…..have mercy!!!!”
But Luzella had no mercy to give, instead she let go of one nipple and repeatet the torture on Adenas clit.
For more than half an hour the horrendous rape continued without Luzella ever slowing down even one bit. Finally she startet to spurt her hot sticky cum into her victim, quickly filling her up to the brim. Thick demon cum slid past Luzellas member and pooled on the floor. But the amazonian demon continued to fuck until she had shot a second load into Adena s already overflowing ass.
After she finally pulled out the prisoners averted their eyes as a small torrent of cum splattered on the floor, Adenas tormented asshole unable to hold it all in.

Now came the final act, and for that the prisoners were marched out of the castellum, further down the hills, near the future battlefield.
Poor Adena, more being dragged by helots than walking by herself shrank back as she saw what was to come: There, in the green grass lay a wooden T-shaped cross, ropes and nails nearby.
“Oh yes, Adena my dear, someone will soon hang on that cross” Luzella said from behind her
“But it is not necessarily you”
With that, the young recruit Adena had already betrayed was brought forward, staring in utter horror at the cross. The helots let Adena go, and she collapsed where she stood.
“If you want to spare your little underling, then crawl to the cross” Luzella demanded but Adena was paralyzed. The centurion had no doubt Luzella would crucify the girl, that much showed in her gaze, but she was too horrified by the prospect of dying at the cross to move. It was her duty to stand in for the men and women under her command, and she felt their gazes in her back. She should crawl to that cross, she should be brave but she could not move.
“Please…Mistress, have mercy” she whimpered
She was broken completely now, and all could see it.
Suddenly strong hands grabbed Adena, gagged her, and dragged her to the cross.
“You may wonder why I take you, after you choose to sacrifice your sweet underling for your own live in my service.” Luzella asked and continued without pause: “Well: Two daws ago I promised you would beg for mercy, but there would be none”
Without hesitation Adena was laid on the cross. A massive wooden dildo jutted out of the main pole at a sharp angle and painfully stretched Adenas ass again after she was forced onto the thing. After Luzellas hard work it slid in with ease.
Screaming muffled pleas for mercy into her gag the once preiu centurion was taken a final time by her amazon captor.

Back in the here and now Luzella came hard as she remembered how Adenas cunt clenched down on her shaft while the nails were driven through her hands and forearms.
Thick globs of hot cum splattered the rocks beneath Luzella, and for several minutes she could not stop cumming.
When it finally ended the demoness rolled over on her back, magic dildo still lodged in her ass, and let out a sigh of utter relief…

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Picture made by me to go with this story, or rather the story followed the picture I made as fanart.
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Originally this was titled: "The Breaking of Adena" but I changed that hereas it gave too much away.

Like I said: very old, lots of mistakes I would not make today (I hope)
But I would still appreciate any feedback.

[Claire]

Well, the story might be older but I definitely recognize a throughline to your more recent stories.

If I had to guess what you consider mistakes you would no longer make today I'd say your punctuation, grammar and sentence structure are probably better today. I at least noticed a tendency for sentences to keep going on with a comma where a full stop would have worked just as well.

I enjoyed as always in your stories the world building. I think that's also a consistent focus in your stories and as in some of your other stories I wish you would tell more complex stories in those worlds. But that's my preference, not a critique.

One thing that tends to take me out of a story is an excessive escalation of torture. And by that I mean that it breaks my immersion when I reach the point in a story where I think that the tortured character should be dead 10 times by now. When a story tries to tell me that "despite all the rape Adenas ass still was tight" my immersion just breaks, even more so when the main rapist has a horse cock. Rather than making the violence feel more intense and gruesome it becomes cartoonish to me, unreal. Less would be more here, at least for me.

If I compare this again to your later works I think you might have come to a similar conclusion that dwelling a little longer on a moment might be more intense than going through a rapid fire escalation of ever more gruesome torture?

[RapeU]

I rated this but forgot to reply. Worldbuilding was good, but overall the story wasn't quite for me. I couldn't get into the trans character, but I could probably see someone else getting into it.

[Lucius]

Can't say I've expected demonic Romanized futanari! :D I'll echo the preceding comments to an extent -- hermaphroditism isn't one of my turn-ons, and I while I have nothing per se against a character put on a Trauma Conga Line ending in total destruction, I can't bring myself to care much about Adena. We know too little about her.

The story ending is nailed down, however.

[AdmiralPiet]

Yay, the reviews are rolling in.
Thanks for rating and commenting even though it was not entirely for you

Well, the story might be older but I definitely recognize a throughline to your more recent stories.

If I had to guess what you consider mistakes you would no longer make today I'd say your punctuation, grammar and sentence structure are probably better today. I at least noticed a tendency for sentences to keep going on with a comma where a full stop would have worked just as well.

When I read the older stuff it feels clunky to me now.
I think I have improved and that my texts are easier to read now.
Better "flow" for lack of a better word.

One thing that tends to take me out of a story is an excessive escalation of torture. And by that I mean that it breaks my immersion when I reach the point in a story where I think that the tortured character should be dead 10 times by now. When a story tries to tell me that "despite all the rape Adenas ass still was tight" my immersion just breaks, even more so when the main rapist has a horse cock. Rather than making the violence feel more intense and gruesome it becomes cartoonish to me, unreal. Less would be more here, at least for me.

Yeah, the tight ass thing was corny. Hopefully one of the mistakes I won't repeat.
I mean, it is a muscle that does not loosen up like an overstretched rubberband, but still.

I do employ a certain suspension of disbelief. Especially when it comes to whips, or rack. Maybe I overdid it here.
I try to soften it by using non destructive means at times, like electric current, magic whips or sci-fi agonizers. Or I do not linger to much on the damage caused.
That was something that put me off in some older german stories I read: The whips do considerable damage and often leave scars. Even with the often mentioned plastic surgeon, and the scars describes as "faint": by story number 10 the heroine would have been quite disfigured.

Another author seldom got more detailed than "severe welts" and suspension of disbelief did the rest.
But I understand that every reader has a different view and treshold on when it is too much.

Side fact: The original artist and author of Luzella is quite fond of deepthroats. He gave Luzellas height as 2,8m. (That towers over Ser Gregor Clegane from the books, and book Clegane towers over the ones from the adaption) Ain’t no way that monster dong fits into any human or elven mouth. That’s what broke my immersion.

If I compare this again to your later works I think you might have come to a similar conclusion that dwelling a little longer on a moment might be more intense than going through a rapid fire escalation of ever more gruesome torture?

Yes. It had been too much different tortures heaped upon her, with too little reaction or insight into her.
With a more cartoonish/cheap style, like the aforementioned german stories I still like that idea.
But in a more serious story that won't work very well, exept a way longer one that goes more in depth and focuses more on the psychological pain/rape/humiliation.

Alongside the rape, she was whipped, stretched, the toxic plants, whipped again, needles, and then the helots with more needles and pincers , then whipped again.

This had two reasons:
1. The story was not very long and I wanted to padd it out
2. I wanted to show the cruelty of Luzella

It would have been way more effective storywise to do this:
1. The first whipping longer and way more detailed. Adena could have been like the heroes from the old sword-and-sandal films that just stoically takes the pain.
2. Then go into her mind as she spends the night stretched on the crane and let doubt and despair seep in.
3. Luzella forces the name out of her in the morning. Just the two, no Helots. Leave her on the table or on the crane in the sun.
4. Last whipping in front of the troops after she is broken. Again in more detail, and the opposite of the first one.

I rated this but forgot to reply. Worldbuilding was good, but overall the story wasn't quite for me. I couldn't get into the trans character, but I could probably see someone else getting into it.

I can totally get that.
In my experience: Futa is very popular in visual art, but in writing not so much. But I might be wrong there.

A tangent: I struggle a bit with trans.
I think Luzella was born this way, no transition. So intersex might be a better word. Or hermaphrodite, but that implies full sets of all reproductive organs.
Same would go for Freya and Caelyn in my other story. Although I am not yet decided on wether or not have one of them be originally female and recieving a "gift" in form of mutation.

Futa(nari) would be the best overall therm, but in certain settings the modern japanese word does not fit.
So for the Warhammer story I settled on Shemale. But one could also argue that the japanese term survived through the ages to 41st millenium.

Choices, choices...

Can't say I've expected demonic Romanized futanari! :D I'll echo the preceding comments to an extent -- hermaphroditism isn't one of my turn-ons, and I while I have nothing per se against a character put on a Trauma Conga Line ending in total destruction, I can't bring myself to care much about Adena. We know too little about her.

Yes, the story was too short. This led to the mistakes I described in reply to Claire.
The problem also lays in how the story came to be. As I said in the first post: The story followed the picture.
That is the reason for the basically needless frame story. Because in there happens what fits the picture.
And it was rushed, leading to the suboptimal structure described above, and the lack of more detailed scenes and insights into the characters minds.

The story ending is nailed down, however.

[AdmiralPiet]

@Claire @RapeU @Lucius

Since you three replied on this story I wanted to ask:
I wont do a remake of this, but maybe something similar someday.
I know of some mistakes I made, as written above.

But: What would improve this story for you?
What elements would you like to see?
How would you do it?

PS:
I know this sounds pushy but I would appreciate a lot if you would also reply to my last post in this thread.
I do value your insights.

[Lucius]

@AdmiralPiet Certainly! I'm a bit busy writing-wise, but I'll get back to you in a couple of days.

[Claire]

@AdmiralPiet I'm a bit busy currently with stuff on the forum, but I promise you I'll get back to you. It might take me a few days. I really appreciate how much more you are present these days! And I also appreciate the feedback you gave me on my stories.

If you want to do me a small favor, you could maybe take a look at the short stories in the Popular Stories board if you haven't done so already. Doesn't need to be any of my stories, Mother Knows Best, Fugitives and Sorceresses Surprise could all use some love. We're currently getting close to opening the community favorites board and that will be a major milestone for the board.

[RapeU]

@Claire @RapeU @Lucius

Since you three replied on this story I wanted to ask:
I wont do a remake of this, but maybe something similar someday.
I know of some mistakes I made, as written above.

But: What would improve this story for you?
What elements would you like to see?
How would you do it?

PS:
I know this sounds pushy but I would appreciate a lot if you would also reply to my last post in this thread.
I do value your insights.

I'll answer this with an explanation of what I did regarding my Kidnapping Chronicles stories. #KCU For some of them, a total rewrite of the story was needed to match my growth as an author. I kept some of the plot intact and fixed some massive continuity errors and things that didn't make sense. For example, in the original story of The Hunter, I had the protagonist kill his victims so that he wouldn't get caught. But there isn't enough people who enjoy snuff to make a story like that worthwhile, so I rewrote the entire story where he didn't kill his victims (you'll know by part 3 what happens to them) and kept most of the plot intact.

Rewriting The Hunter created some continuity issues to where it was necessary to rewrite the entire #KCU, so I rewrote the second story of the series. I did an experiment with mostly dialogue rape to see how that would go. I don't think it was a successful experiment. With the third story, a cult of lesbians who kidnap women for sex, the protagonist is dissatisfied with the organization to the point of practically hating it but having nowhere else to go. Fighting for that organization didn't make sense for the character, so when I rewrote that story I did it in such a way that the protagonist loved the cult lifestyle.

I'm actually considering rewriting the entire #KCU all over again because I'm still not completely satisfied with my work. But that would be a monster of a task, and I have other stories I want to work on more.

So, that's what I suggest you do. Take a look at your story, decide what parts you want to keep, and do a full rewrite with elements that you as the author want to write about. Stories that are personal for the author in some way are stories that tend to stand out. Don't just write your characters, be your characters. Jump inside their head. React how they would react. And in some instances, let your character decide where the plot goes instead of forcing a character to follow a plot.

[Claire]

But: What would improve this story for you?
What elements would you like to see?
How would you do it?

Ok, let's get into this. But a disclaimer at the beginning: I'm not saying my suggestions are objective improvements. I see two fundamental ways you can write a story here:

1) You write a sexual fantasy that you find hot and storytelling is secondary to you, or might even take away from the fantasy. You write a scenario like you might enact a scene as a roleplay with a patner like: "Burglar breaks into my house and has his way with me". Who you are and who the burglar is doesn't matter. The roles are archetypes at best, there is no larger story to tell. If that is what you want to write, then I think that @Shocker, @Vile8r and @LaLia are probably the three authors who do this best on our forum, albeit usually not in fantasy or SciFi. So I would look at the short stories they write, the stories they won their contests with. But I'm probably the wrong person to help with that approach because I usually don't write like that.

2) You write a story that has sex/rape in it. The story and the characters arcs are meant to enhance the emotional investment of the reader during the sex/rape scenes. And the sex/rape scenes drive forward the story and character development. This is how I usually try to write. If you want to know what I consider my most successful attempt at that in short story form, give It's okay, I feel a little lonely, too. a read. ~3500 words short, takes barely 10 minutes to read, but I think it is a great character study that feels like it has depths and emotional weight despite its brevity. Read the suggestions I will make as me trying to turn the scenario of your story into a short story like that.


The conflict the story revolves around and narrative tension

So, what is the central narrative conflict in your story? I would say the story revolves around the question:

Will Luzella be able to make Adena beg for mercy?

In my view, the biggest weakness of the story is that it never leaves any doubt that Luzella will achieve this. There is 0 tension there at any point. You tell the story in retrospect, Luzella is perfectly fine, there is no indication that the memory of what happened upsets her. On the contrary, Luzella starts to remember what happened as she begins to masturbate, implying she looks back on what happened fondly. So as a reader I'm primed to think that whatever happened was a major success for Luzella and therefore there is no ambiguity there about whether she achieved her goal.

So, here is how I would deal with that problem: Either you don't frame the story as a memory at all. Or you give us some emotional beat from Luzella. She's angry, she can't enjoy masturbating while thinking of what happened, she's confused, she's getting more into it than usual but doesn't understand way (maybe her attempt to break Adena failed and for the first time somebody dominated Luzella and she now has to come to terms that she liked that.). Whatever it is you end up doing, avoid the impression that this is the story of Luzella having a plan that simply worked out 100%.

So my first suggestion is: Keep the central narrative conflict around the breaking of Adena, but give me a genuine reason to believe that Luzella might fail doing that. As a story, not as a sexual fantasy, The Breaking lacks narrative tension. The way I would inject that tension into the story would be to focus more on the characters and their relationship.


Luzella and Adena

I would make it so that Luzella and Adena know each other and that they have history. They fought each other multiple times, maybe Adena even tortured Luzella in the past. But the most importat addition I would make to their past is this one:

Luzella tried to break Adena in the past once already and failed.

Sell me on the idea that Adena can endure a lot. Tell me how she was in the past tortured for 3 days straight and how Luzella was actually about to just kill in her frustration when Adena was saved by reinforcements arriving and rescuing her. And more than anything, it pisses Luzella off that not only did Adena escape, but she's back to duty commanding her troops as if the 3 days of rape didn't affect her at all. Adena resisting so much is a scar on Luzella's pride. It gives Luzella a bit more character and implants the idea in the reader's mind that Adena might be able to resist this.

On a different note,@Lucius and I talked a bit about your story yesterday. And we wondered why Luzella even did this. Given that she's a fantasy creature, we weren't sure whether her sadism and cruelty are unique character traits or somehow associated with her species. For those not familiar with the world you're setting this story in, it would be nice to clarify this.

Adena should be able to get under Luzella's skin. Make her a worthy adversary.

I think with these ingredients you'd have a great setup for your story.


A potential plot outline

Luzella remembers her last encounter with Adena as she walks over the battlefield of her most recent victory. She's irritated by how aroused she gets thinking of what happened but the reader doesn't get to know what irritates her yet.

The memory begins. Adena gets captured, she's the sole survivor of her troops. (So no attempt to threaten her with the death or rape of her soldiers is possible.)

Luzella begins the torture of Adena like last time, vowing to break her this time. You explain their past, the central narrative question is asked.

It looks like a repeat of the first time. Luzella increases the violence of her torture but Adena resists.

Luzella has prepared a secret weapon. The poison in your original story is used here too but it is an aphrodisiac. Adena can't be broken with pain, but maybe with turning the proud warrior into a sensitive girl quivering in pleasure at Luzella's and her men's touch. Basically, you earn the forced orgasm trope by turning it into a long endeavor that becomes Adena's low point. Making Adena orgasm over and over again, maybe even fucking her gently to achieve this, humiliates her more than the violence ever could. It's a bit of a cliche yes, but it fits thematically here I would say.

From this point on forward, I see two paths you can go down:

A) Luzella breaks Adena. Adena finally begs for mercy and is killed. Luzella's irritation from before the memory began comes from the fact that she kind of misses her rivalry with Adena now that Adena is dead and Luzella won.

B) Adena doesn't break and manages to turn the tables on Luzella. Maybe it's a repeat of their first encounter and Luzella again takes too long to kill Adena and reinforcements arrive. Luzella is captured and raped by Adena in return. Luzella was about to come herself when she manages to escape. Back in the present, Luzella can't help but remember how she almost came and how she secretly wishes Adena had finished the Job. For the first time in her life, the proud Luzella found pleasure in submission. The story ends with Luzella frantically masturbating to the memory of getting revenge raped by Adena.


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I think that would be one possible attempt to put the story on another level for me. And you don't have to do exactly this. The important point for me would be that there are character dynamics here and unforeseen or at least unclear outcomes. There is tension that needs to be resolved, there is a back and forth in the interaction. And I think that you can absolutely write this in a compelling way in 3,000 to 5,000 words. It's difficult but possible. But you could of course also go longer than that.